There are many times in my life where I have been called the "Ice Queen.The reason? Because I don't show emotion. I never react at the time disaster strikes, it's always behind closed doors, when everyone is tucked up, and fast asleep.
I guess the posts going back to The Bag in the Cupboard, parts 1, 2, and 3, are the one's to hi light the reason behind the name.
I can tell a story as the 'third' party looking in, although in fact I am usually one of the main characters. Most of my posts are real life experiences and looking back, I know when the pattern commenced.
I know exactly how long it will take me to react to a disaster, pinpoint to the hour that I will allow myself to cry, and know when I will have the required repercussion to the event, a panic attack or two, maybe three.
I have the ability to be involved, yet remain apart at the same time. Until that particular time comes, when I fall apart. Hence the title, "Ice Queen". Do I deserve the title? I struggle to keep everyone together in a crisis, when they are falling apart, I sacrifice a part of me to keep them together.
I have been asked to read a Eulogy. I don't think I can do it, in fact I know I cannot. Not only that, I don't want to do it. The reason? I will lose my title, and cry. People will make a fuss, I'll get comments like "that's a first", or "look, she's crying."
I want to keep my title intact. The question is, at what cost?
I might add that "Ice", the word, is much closer to my family than I would like it to be.
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