Goodbye Mum

After a gradual decline over a couple of years, and a horrific last few months she's finally gone.

She was heavily sedated and I hope she didn't feel anything. There was nothing peaceful about this death.

I will miss you Mum. Forever in my heart.

Angels Treasure

An emotive portrait by itself, without taking into account the memory of a child that is lost to you.

The meaning of lost doesn't necessarily mean dead. There are many ways to lose a child, death is one that I have already experienced. Drugs and alcohol are two more, but you love them always, no matter what.

I've been told to implement "tough love", a strategy for a parent to use in times of crises. I don't think I can do it, I'm not that strong.

I keep waiting for a call that says he is dead, or one that says he has had another heart attack, due to drug and alcohol abuse. Note: I said 'another'.

For months I have been unable to sleep, except on rare occasions. For months every time my head hits the pillow, I have panic attacks. Every time I shut my eyes his face appears. I don't know what to do any more. In my own way, I am as lost as he is.

I have had this pic for months, I have written about it many times and not published anything. It's to damn hard.

Angel the Ice Queen

There are many times in my life where I have been called the "Ice Queen.

The reason? Because I don't show emotion. I never react at the time disaster strikes, it's always behind closed doors, when everyone is tucked up, and fast asleep.

I guess the posts going back to The Bag in the Cupboard, parts 1, 2, and 3, are the one's to hi light the reason behind the name.

I can tell a story as the 'third' party looking in, although in fact I am usually one of the main characters. Most of my posts are real life experiences and looking back, I know when the pattern commenced.

I know exactly how long it will take me to react to a disaster, pinpoint to the hour that I will allow myself to cry, and know when I will have the required repercussion to the event, a panic attack or two, maybe three.

I have the ability to be involved, yet remain apart at the same time. Until that particular time comes, when I fall apart. Hence the title, "Ice Queen". Do I deserve the title? I struggle to keep everyone together in a crisis, when they are falling apart, I sacrifice a part of me to keep them together.

I have been asked to read a Eulogy. I don't think I can do it, in fact I know I cannot. Not only that, I don't want to do it. The reason? I will lose my title, and cry. People will make a fuss, I'll get comments like "that's a first", or "look, she's crying."

I want to keep my title intact. The question is, at what cost?

I might add that "Ice", the word, is much closer to my family than I would like it to be.

http://wwwyesterdayschildrenbook.com/

Catching the Falling Angel

Some of us fly high and some of us fall. This is a falling time.

I had never heard of Polycystic Kidney Disease or Pernicious Aneamia, until yesterday. Today I was educated. I really didn't want to know, prefer to bury my head in the sand. It's autosomal dominant.

One phone call said it all. I was shocked, didn't believe what I was hearing, this is not happening, can't be happening.

At this time, she has refused Dialysis, and she is having an allergic reaction to the B12 injections, therefore needs blood transfusions. For the rest of whatever life she has left. There is no quick fix, actually there is no fix at all.

"Hello?" Her: " I want you to do something for me" Me: "Hmmm, does it need to be done today? Oh, you better tell me what it is first." Her: "I want you to organise an Enduring Power of Attorney" Me: "A what?" Her: "An Enduring Power of Attorney" Me: "What is it, and what's it for?"

The explanation was hard, the implications worse, the prognosis shocking. What do you say after hearing that? Of course I'll do it, no problems? She's basically telling me she's dying, and needs someone to take care of all aspects of her life. She doesn't want anyone else to do it. I am really angry with her. Go and get another opinion, do something. I don't want to do this, it's not my job, give it to someone else.

Me: .....................................................................................silence. Her: "Helloooo!! Are you listening?" (Of course I'm bloody listening, I'm dying inside, I don't know what to say) Me: "Um, OK. When do you want me to do it?" Her: "As soon as possible. Don't procrastinate, just organise it". Me: "Of course I'll do it, I'll get to it sometime this week, as soon as I can organise a day off". Her: "Allright, I'll hear from you soon. Bye".

The next day: Me: "Hi Mum" Her: "Hi Angel". Me: "How are you?" Her: "I'm well, and how are you?" (What do you mean, you're well? You're not well, you just told me yesterday that you weren't) Me: "I'm good". Her: "I forgot to tell you yesterday that Dr P said I needed to let you know that the PKD is autosomal dominent, and you need to tell your Doctor as soon as possible". Me: "And that means what, exactly?" Her: "It's hereditary, there is a 50% chance you have it, your Grandmother had them and both your Aunts, as well.". Me: "When did you find out all of this?" Her: "Oh, years ago, but I didn't take much notice, I used to call them 'polkadots on my kidneys, and they have spread to my liver and pancreas as well". Me: "When did you know it was hereditary?" Her: "Yesterday, Dr. P thought I already knew because I've had it for such a long time, before he became my Doctor. Me: OK, thanks. I'll make an appointment to see Dr. C .

I'll be in touch as soon as I've sorted somethign out".

http://wwwyesterdayschildrenbook.com/